So 2019 is holding some big new things, the biggest of them all being that I have left mainstream school. This is, as change tends to be, terrifying to me – and it certainly doesn’t help that I have no clue what my classes are.
There are so many reasons I could give for this decision but I’m not going to bother explaining that too much- instead I’m going to explain how I decided to do distance education.
Step one was realising that I wasn’t happy at school. I already knew that it was getting harder to motivate myself to get to school but it took me a while to even consider that it wasn’t just that my anxiety was getting worse. (Context: I came off of my anxiety meds in January 2018 after almost 7 years of being on them.) So I spent some time just using as many coping stategies as possible just to get through the day- this was roughly mid year.
Once I realized I wasn’t happy step two began- trying to find solutions. We talked to teachers, we asked for extension work, the whole shebang. This is where we got stuck for a while, we’d had meetings in previous years with the same issues and we always got the same answer “It will be better next year,” By the fourth meeting of 2018 I was so sick of hearing that phrase that I genuinely wanted to scream every time I heard it.
Step 3 was the worst part- looking at new schools. Mum and I spent a month or two researching schools. The one I prefered was too far away for us so we went and toured one locally with my dad. This is where it got hard, I was fine on the car ride in but for almost the whole tour I was either holding back tears or trying to cry as quietly as I could while dad tried to calm me down. It sucked, I felt so vulnerable and distressed and I didn’t have the right words to describe what was going through my head- I still don’t. But I knew that going to another school wasn’t the way to go. Thankfully one of my favourite cafes was nearby so we dropped dad off at the train station then got coffee and sandwiches (because coffee fixes everything.)
We took a break from looking for solutions for a bit after that, it was just too much to think about. It took about two or three weeks before I was ready to talk about school again.
Step four was figuring out if distance ed was right for me. We talked to our psychologist, psychiatrist, other doctors, family members. It was a lot. My sister had done distance ed for a year and had found it difficult so mum was a bit hesitant at first. I almost completely rejected the idea until we talked it through with the psychiatrist. But eventually we decided that it was best that I studied from home.
Step five, paperwork. So, so much paperwork. We had to get letters from so many people for me to even be allowed to do distance ed. I took a while to do my part of the paperwork. It felt very final. Like I was giving up on something and just leaving it behind. This quickly changed when I started doing work experience instead of going to school, I was significantly happier when I wasn’t at school and so I decided that it was time to finish the paperwork.
Step six was telling people. This was hard because they started to change once I said I was leaving. They were nicer to me and treated me as if they hadn’t been my friends for years already. I told as many people as I could either in person or over voice chat, it was harder than announcing it online but it felt like the more respectful thing to do.
I finished school on an ok note. I didn’t bother with a proper in person goodbye to my friends- I hadn’t been at school for a few weeks anyway. I sent them cards wishing them a happy holidays and thanked them for being there for me while I was at school but that was it. I was done with school and I was happy to move on.
Holidays are almost over now and it feels weird knowing that I’m not going back to school, at least not a physical school, and I still don’t know what my classes are. But I do know one thing; I can finally study Japanese after 3 years of asking to and I’m super excited. That and that I definitely made the right decision.
I’d also like to thank my mum for being there for me throughout this whole thing. I know that I was a pain in the butt for a lot of this process and I’m so glad we stuck with it.