Deciding to Learn from Home

So 2019 is holding some big new things, the biggest of them all being that I have left mainstream school. This is, as change tends to be, terrifying to me – and it certainly doesn’t help that I have no clue what my classes are.

There are so many reasons I could give for this decision but I’m not going to bother explaining that too much- instead I’m going to explain how I decided to do distance education.

Step one was realising that I wasn’t happy at school. I already knew that it was getting harder to motivate myself to get to school but it took me a while to even consider that it wasn’t just that my anxiety was getting worse. (Context: I came off of my anxiety meds in January 2018 after almost 7 years of being on them.) So I spent some time just using as many coping stategies as possible just to get through the day- this was roughly mid year.

Once I realized I wasn’t happy step two began- trying to find solutions. We talked to teachers, we asked for extension work, the whole shebang. This is where we got stuck for a while, we’d had meetings in previous years with the same issues and we always got the same answer “It will be better next year,” By the fourth meeting of 2018 I was so sick of hearing that phrase that I genuinely wanted to scream every time I heard it.

Step 3 was the worst part- looking at new schools. Mum and I spent a month or two researching schools. The one I prefered was too far away for us so we went and toured one locally with my dad. This is where it got hard, I was fine on the car ride in but for almost the whole tour I was either holding back tears or trying to cry as quietly as I could while dad tried to calm me down. It sucked, I felt so vulnerable and distressed and I didn’t have the right words to describe what was going through my head- I still don’t. But I knew that going to another school wasn’t the way to go. Thankfully one of my favourite cafes was nearby so we dropped dad off at the train station then got coffee and sandwiches (because coffee fixes everything.)

We took a break from looking for solutions for a bit after that, it was just too much to think about. It took about two or three weeks before I was ready to talk about school again.

Step four was figuring out if distance ed was right for me. We talked to our psychologist, psychiatrist, other doctors, family members. It was a lot. My sister had done distance ed for a year and had found it difficult so mum was a bit hesitant at first. I almost completely rejected the idea until we talked it through with the psychiatrist. But eventually we decided that it was best that I studied from home.

Step five, paperwork. So, so much paperwork. We had to get letters from so many people for me to even be allowed to do distance ed. I took a while to do my part of the paperwork. It felt very final. Like I was giving up on something and just leaving it behind. This quickly changed when I started doing work experience instead of going to school, I was significantly happier when I wasn’t at school and so I decided that it was time to finish the paperwork.

Step six was telling people. This was hard because they started to change once I said I was leaving. They were nicer to me and treated me as if they hadn’t been my friends for years already. I told as many people as I could either in person or over voice chat, it was harder than announcing it online but it felt like the more respectful thing to do.

I finished school on an ok note. I didn’t bother with a proper in person goodbye to my friends- I hadn’t been at school for a few weeks anyway. I sent them cards wishing them a happy holidays and thanked them for being there for me while I was at school but that was it. I was done with school and I was happy to move on.

Holidays are almost over now and it feels weird knowing that I’m not going back to school, at least not a physical school, and I still don’t know what my classes are. But I do know one thing; I can finally study Japanese after 3 years of asking to and I’m super excited. That and that I definitely made the right decision.

I’d also like to thank my mum for being there for me throughout this whole thing. I know that I was a pain in the butt for a lot of this process and I’m so glad we stuck with it.

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Anxiety and Uni

My anxiety has been through the roof recently, our holidays were so busy I loved attending the Commonwealth Games, the swimming was amazing. But it was crowded and noisy and just being in a different place and out of routine is hard.

We’ve been home a week now and I’m finding it very challenging to get back into my uni study routine. We’ve had road crews doing construction near us day and night, sleep has continued to be elusive. Our wifi keeps disappearing, which is a real problem when you are studying online. Even our printer has stopped working.

My last assignment came back, I got 21 out of 30 which feels like I failed. To be honest anything less than 30 feels like a fail when you have perfectionist tendencies. Logically I know I passed, but that negative voice in my head is telling me I’m a failure, I should throw it all in, and just give up.

So here I am at the library, telling that negative voice to fuck off. I’m going to make use of the free library wifi, their not too expensive printers and get my study on. These are my weapons with which I go into battle against that voice.

Spotify and my beloved headphones:

Timmy Trumpet and Dimatik will keep the DoofDoof tunes going and help me focus. Not too loud though, it is a library. 🤣

Headspace app:

This app reminds me to breathe and helps me take a moment to relax and unwind. It has great mini meditations that only take 1 – 3 minutes. Best bit of this app, it reminds me that it’s okay not to be perfect, I can get very caught up on trying to relax, just right, which is not very relaxing.

Waterbottle:

To fight my Crohns dehydration demons.

Blackboard:

So I can access my uni course on my phone. I prefer to use the library computers but sometimes my sensory issues make that hard, especially if I need to sit next to a stranger who has strong perfume /deodorant, or is very fidgety. This app means I can find a comfy, isolated spot of the library and get my work done.

Forest:

An Instagram friend put me on to this app. Set the timer for 30 minutes and it grows virtual tree and keeps me locked out of distracting apps like Facebook and Instagram. I whitelisted Spotify and Blackboard so I can still access them.

And now I’ve checked in here, I should knuckle down and get some study done. 🎧📖💡

Road Trip

We are home! The seemingly endless drive from the Gold Coast to Melbourne is done and it wasn’t awful.

Roadtrips are awesome. New places, new people and most importantly, new book shops. Unfortunately we didn’t stop in as many places as we would have hoped but here are some we have seen.

First up is all the empty fields:

And the toiletless rest stops (Much to mum’s dismay) :

We went to Dubbo Zoo,

As well as the Parkes Telescope (So cool):

Overall, it has been a lot of fun, very tiring, but lots of fun.

Sleeping Bendy

Mum says I “sleep bendy,” I’m not entirely sure what that means but it makes sense. I think “sleeping bendy” translates to a few things that people don’t realize about BJHS.

I sleep bendy so I need more pillows to avoid injury in my sleep.

When I fall asleep in chairs I curl around them.

When I sleep wrong it means more pain for a few days.

I sleep bendy and it means that I am an excellent cuddle partner (who needs to worry about space when I can curl up into *the* tiniest ball ever.)

Sleeping bendy can hurt, it can mean paying extra for more pillows, it can mean using people as pillows when necessary (sorry mum), sleeping bendy means being tired because you couldn’t sleep because you were too bendy sometimes.

To all those sleeping bendy, it’s okay, keep doing your best. Sleeping bendy is better than no sleep at all.

When you wake up dehydrated AF

Bodies are weird. Mine dehydrates fast, par for the course with active Crohns disease. I try to keep the fluids up during the day, much harder to do whilst asleep. Thus I wake up dehydrated, especially in warmer weather and try to knock back 1litre of water before I have my morning coffee.

The first day we arrived I was exhausted from the travel. My Mum had made her pizza – the base is made from scratch – so good. Love my Mama’s Pizza. Best lunch ever.

Except not so low residue. I spent an unpleasant hour on the toilet shortly after eating. Following which I crashed, hard. The day caught up with me and by 4pm I was out of it.

I slept for 12 hours and boy did I wake up dehydrated. The headache is not fun.

Makes me sad I can’t even enjoy mum’s pizza. 😢

Flying with BJHS

BJHS (Benign Joint Hypermobility Syndrome) is a pain in the everything to fly with.

I woke up at 3am for the flight and everything was okay, no joint pain. And then came the sitting in the taxi, and in the airport, and in the plane, and on the bus. Sitting down hurts because of the pressure on my back, cushions help but there weren’t any to use at the time so that would hurt by itself, add in that I hadn’t had my anti-inflamatory medication for a week and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

Once off the bus breakfast and anti-inflamatories were my top priority, however medication can only do so much. So my next step was buying heatpacks, this took longer than expected (3 frickin hours) and the pain was making it hard to walk.

^ My nutritious breakfast ^

Once we got home I spent about two hours lying like this:

(Those things on my back are heatpacks. Aka: Life Saving Magic Bags)

^ The heatpacks are only $9 each! ^

In conclusion:

Heat packs = Yes

Hard chairs = No

Flying with Crohns

Our flight left at 6am.

This meant waking up at 3am, taxi pick up at 3.30am and we were at the airport by 4am for check in. Waaaaay too much early morning.

Last time Darrell flew interstate our anxiety was so high, they almost missed their flight. They did miss luggage check in and had to fly without their suitcase. It was awful, so stressful. Do not recommend.

So we were both very anxious about this flight. Of course when you are stressed, it makes Crohns disease flare up even more. In the week prior to leaving, I was spending a lot of time racing to the toilet with explosive diarrhea. It was awful and certainly didn’t help my anxiety.

On the morning of the flight I had my usual low residue breakfast, toasted English breakfast muffin with a slice of ham, but only half portion. I also took 2 Imodium (yummy), just in case, and no coffee :: sadness :: .

Arriving 2 hours early at the airport meant not only did we have heaps of time to check in, but also use the toilets without rushing.

We got an in-flight snack of a tasty croissant. Thanks to my Imodium it stayed put without drama, but I couldn’t risk the coffee. My book was bigger than the tray table!

Post 2 hour flight we had a one hour bus ride to our final destination. It was long and by this stage I was getting very nauseous. It was 7 hours with only a muffin and small croissant, I should have had more water to drink.

Happily the Imodium and small portions of low residue worked. My gut held firm (hahaha literally, Crohns humour is toilet humour).

We had arrived on the Gold Coast for the Commonwealth Games. 😊

Marita